The Tyranny of Supercarer
“If you don’t want to offend, don’t get up in the morning!”
We women are notoriously caught up in guilt around keeping our best interests at heart.
Are you easily swayed into taking care of other people at the expense of your own health and prosperity? Unable to say No to others demands however overworked or overwhelmed you are? Watch out – Supercarer is about!
You men are not immune but tend to be much more comfortable with setting boundaries on your time and energies without feeling “selfish”. Read on to understand what is happening with the women in your life.
Have you noticed the effect that little 2 syllable word can have on a woman? If not on you, then on friends and colleagues. Just call a woman selfish and a tide of guilt sweeps over her to an astonishing degree.
Of course caring for others is important, can be enjoyable, fulfilling and a valuable career choice, but often it is just a role from childhood we continue playing without question into adulthood. Now might be a good time to think about whether you are in the right movie!
You may feel you must meet all requests and demands with a Yes, or no-one will like you. Maybe you even rush in unasked to help. You end up stressed, exhausted and disappointed with your self-esteem in tatters. Feeling like a doormat is a painful place to be.
If this is you, you can change this. I know your relationships are very important to you or you would not be in this position. What you may not realise is that your relationships suffer when you get stuck in Supercarer mode; the opposite of what you wanted.
Breathe again! You can reclaim your energies and improve your relationships at the same time.
Here are 3 of my Tips to Improve your Relationships by Saying No
Tip #1 Avoid Resentment
Supercarer causes resentment. Hard to believe I know, but there are reasons for this.
Hmm…I don’t want to get into deep psychological waters here but there are hidden dynamics in relationships which apply. Let me try to explain.
It hurts when all your efforts at caring and aiming to please backfire. Where is the reciprocal concern for you? You are bewildered by the lack of appreciation for your efforts.
If you say Yes when you really want to say No, you quite naturally feel resentment which you try to hide because it doesn’t fit with your sense of identity as a nice caring person. But make no mistake, the other person will not only pick up your resentment, but resent feeling indebted to you.
Or when you aid unasked, you may treat people as incapable. Eventually they resent you for disempowering them.
That creates a vicious cycle and it’s definitely not nice!
Guilt and Resentment are 2 sides of the same coin. For most people this is a good enough reason to shift that old habit of saying Yes too often.
Tip # 2 Create Healthy Boundaries
The inability to say No is about having poor boundaries. Healthy boundaries aren’t just keeping unwanted stuff out, but keeping the good stuff in, and you have more to give when you take good care of yourself.
If you never say No, your Yes has no Value. Creating good boundaries is a sign of self-esteem and helps others to Value you.