Coaching. How Does It Work?

Just through our conversation Avril managed to identify key points of who/what I would like to work for. Organisation of my own thoughts/needs/preferences has given me a clearer view of where I need to go than I have managed to come up with myself in 5 years!

Dear Avril,
Thank-you so much for being my life coach and the immense help, support and guidance you have given me. I don’t know what would have happened had I not found you and had the privilege to be your client. You have helped me turn my life around, and become a happier, more self-aware and confident person. I am so grateful.

What were the problems you were struggling with before working with me?

When I started seeing you I was full of anxiety and panicky. I was getting a fast heartbeat, finding it hard to sleep, working in the early hours to relieve the anxiety. Often bursting into tears when alone. I had lost all my confidence and was unable to make the simplest of decisions. My relationship with my husband had broken down to the point that we were not able to talk or support each other. I was very worried it was affecting my children badly. I felt I had lost my way in life.

What are the results created by working with me: breakthroughs, learnings, emotional or spiritual transformations, practical gains?

You have helped me

• Recognise when I’m getting anxious before it sets in too much. I understand the reasons why this happens to me, which makes it easier to acknowledge and deal with.

• Understand the behaviours and thinking I have due to my need to cope as a child. And you’ve helped me to grow as a person and become the adult I want and need to be.

• To let people know who I am and what I think in a matter of fact way. I had learnt to suppress my feelings and worry about hurting or upsetting others (usually unfounded assumptions). If I did say how I felt, I would keep adding justifications for it, when they weren’t needed. I now try to simply say “I see it like this”, “I don’t agree” or “That makes me feel….” This has taken me a lot of practice and I still need to improve, but it has been a major breakthrough. Especially in my relationship with my partner. It’s helped us talk to each other more freely and support each other as a couple much better.

• Before I say Yes to a job, first think what I am saying No to, however much I want to please – a revelation to me. When I take time to consider, I often realise that by saying yes I won’t have the time or energy to do something that is more important to me. Trying to do everything and please everyone is not good and a big reason why I can feel overwhelmed, anxious and panicky.

• Not guess or assume I know what the others are thinking – I was doing this all the time. I now understand that I can cause myself much worry and time trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist by guessing something that wasn’t in the other person’s thoughts at all.

• Make time for fun and relaxation – I wasn’t making any time for this

Ideas, tools or techniques which were particularly important to you or that you use today?

You have shown me lots of techniques, but I particularly use:

• Calming breathing exercises.

• My “Wheel of Life” journal – I have tabs in the book for each spoke of the wheel – fun and recreation, physical environment, family, friends, money, health, significant other, career, personal growth. It helps me to record, reflect on and organize my work with you. I look at the wheel from time to time and decide if I’m keeping it balanced or if there are areas I’m neglecting. I also record significant achievements and things I don’t want to forget. Most importantly, I am able to look back and see how much progress I’ve made and remind myself what’s important for me.

• The 3 D’s. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, it’s usually because I’ve set myself a ridiculous long list to achieve. Then its time to do a Do, Delegate and Dump list. Only things I really have to do get on the Do list. I find it easier to put more things on the Delegate list now, and have also found that my friends, family and work colleagues are very pleased to help. The Dump list is always the hardest but most important list to write. It’s a very powerful technique for me.

• I had been so accommodating to some of my family that they had started to be intrusive of my personal life or excessively critical. We role-played exercises to help me imagine an invisible buffer zone around me. These were immensely helpful, and enabled me to establish and maintain a healthy boundary across which I don’t let people intrude. The first time I experienced the next lot of vicious criticism, my screen just came straight down without a conscious thought, protected me and let me deal with the comments without taking them to heart – it was wonderful.

• Your guidance has helped me come to terms with my Dad dying. Previously I spent a lot of time trying to capture and hold onto every detail of my memories of him for fear I would forget them. Now I have journal pages which are very precious to me and reliably trigger the memories for me to look back on. I still cry when I read them, but when I close the journal I usually feel at peace.

What would you have missed out on; what would it have cost you, if you had not worked with me?

• I would be on antidepressants and possibly still approaching life in a way that fuels my anxiety.
• I would be separated from my partner, instead of enjoying building a stronger and more loving relationship with him.
• My children may not be as settled as they are.
• I wouldn’t have walked Hadrian’s Wall (92 miles) or the first half of the Cornish coastal path (140 miles) – two early goals in my work with you that had seemed just pipe dreams.
• Gone on a short break on my own for time and peace to just be, no one else to consider, just do things in the moment I’d like to without any feeling of guilt.
• Discovering my love of live music – such happy times at live gigs and looking forward to more.
• I wouldn’t have realized how much I wanted to get back to the 20 year old me who loved getting on her bicycle and taking off because the whim took her and she enjoyed it.
• Rekindled my friendship with my college flat mates, we now have regular planned meet ups. They are so precious to me and I had lost touch with them. They know me as that 20 year old bicycle rider and they help me remember who I am just by the way they are to me.

I truly value your expertise and hard work in helping me. So many words describe you – friendly, accepting, calm, open, honest, supportive, highly skilled – exceptionally good at what you do.

I have particularly valued your flexibility. If I arrived with something on mind that I wanted to work on, you would skilfully help me with the pressing matter regardless of what we’d pre-planned.